What hurt the most was knowing

You’re the person I’d want to call

play pretend

I had to sleep with you every night so I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts

Together, we would pretend
to be happy, fun, and deep
until your breath softened and I knew you were asleep

Your life felt so happy, so calm
I kept myself too busy to think for too long

Maybe it was real
to some degree
but we had no real responsibility

Our love was summer camp
Pretend playing the people we wanted to be
It wasn’t reality

but you really did love me

If I had asked, would you have stayed with me?

//

I can’t see you being in my life again
but I’m so grateful you were then

post-call from Recoleta

you said you loved me because we were about to hang up and it was something you felt like you should do. because we always do. 

whether or not it felt true

I know you still meant it

because of words exchanged
ages ago, what feels like so far away

that’s why they say it’s hard
that’s why they call it faith

I tell myself that I just have to breathe
& that I believe 
that you’re not gonna leave

isn’t it wild how the hardest thing 
is just trusting 
that you love me, no matter what 
whether or not I think deserve your love

// what’s love gotta do with it, when I don’t love myself?

 

waiting

watching this pot won’t help it boil

nor will turning up the heat

the more I check, the less I hope

as the bubbles show

the minutes grow

my message remains unreceived

post-call from Costa Rica

the way you talk when you’re vulnerable is full of pauses. you’re holding back so you don’t hurt. you say “I” and then you give a half laugh, your breath gets caught in your throat because you’re close to crying but you don’t want to let yourself, you second-guess yourself but you’re going to say it anyway – whatever it is. you’re so mad, you miss me, you’re sad or insecure or lost and don’t know how or what to do. because I hurt you

moments – untitled 2

Vancouver, May 2016:

a late spring night,
watching the city lights
reflect on the water
discovering
a tall dark stranger
$2 soft-serve from McDonald’s for dinner

his kiss tastes like vanilla

Once I get home,
I’m watching my phone
waiting
refreshing
waiting

alone

nothing.

once again, it meant nothing

I roll over in my borrowed bed
Book a bus ticket for this weekend instead

What does it matter?
This isn’t my home
I set off to the next place
alone

transit – temporal

mornings are good times to travel
because everything is new & full of potential

conquering the world in the dark and unknown
is only okay when you’re traveling home

Light 3 – Sun

January 2018 – Costa Rica

The light disappeared slowly, then all at once over the horizon. It was like in the middle of the day when all I wanted was for the sun to go away because it was too strong and I didn’t want to burn but then it was gone

and I’m only left with stars

well, the fluorescent lights that replace them in the city night
that I thought were so pretty from afar
but they aren’t warm like you are

Light 2 – Fire

July 2017 – California

Some things are better from afar
So they can’t hurt you where you are
Fire, stars
My love, romanticized for my art

These things that seem to burn so bright, oh-so warm & full of light
Might just be more than you bargained for

To add another log
You stuck your hand in the flame
I had to be gone
You had me to blame

You burned yourself trying to keep us alight
While my flame had moved on to greener pastures last night

//

God, I wish I believed you when you told me this was my home

Light 1 – Stars

April 2017 – Montreal

Stars are always shining billions of light-years away,
but you can’t see them during the day

//

If we could see the stars, if we could see the context of the universe in which we exist, if we could see how small each one of us is, then where would we be?